It's been a while...

I look back now at what I wrote and realize how true it is...

Helen and I have started going to Christ Church Anglican. They said that if I really wanted to go into ministry I had to get involved. So I've been doing the things that need doing. We're in a small group, first for "40 days of Love" and now for "Celebrate Recovery". I don't particularly like these classes they feel like I'm eating baby food spiritually. In a way though I am starting over.

I am learning to do the baby things for myself. Not paying the lip-service to them that I had been. I am learning the habit of daily bible reading and study. I am learning to keep track of my prayers and the prayers of others. I see now my need to really become better at memorizing more verses of the bible. I also see that lots of people are at the baby stage and need baby food. Even though my relationship with Christ is on a higher level for a lot of people it isn't. Jesus realized that and spoke in parables because of it.

I still need to clean more, I did just pull out a bunch of clothes from my closet yesterday though. More needs to go though. I know there are some people out there who try to get rid of things if they haven't touched it in 6 months... I know i've got junk in boxes more than 20 years old. There are things I'm not using, but that I don't want to get rid of, because I might need it. I know I don't now, but I might. I think it scares me to get rid of these things.

I want to keep my books though. I enjoy reading and so I hope to keep a well stocked library. I wonder about my DVD's though, should I keep them, sell them or donate them out.

I gave up playing warcraft since it was eating up so much of my time. I was also getting bored with it. I also knew that if I didn't it would hinder my studies in the Fall. I hope that we will have a seminary in place by then. Fr. Rob is working on getting one setup through Trinity in PA. If not I will probably be looking for another job by then since we're really tight on cash right now. I would like to keep this one for now though since it gives me more flexibility and it makes it easier for Maggie to take classes.

My prayer for today; keep me close to your presence Lord. I sometimes feel alone in the crowd. I sometimes feel like I can sin because you're not there. I sometimes feel like I am treading water with no support. Lord constantly remind me of your presence, your love and your blessings to me. Thank you Lord for those blessing and all the comfort you do give me. I am a bruised reed and I know you will not break me. Help me ot learn from my bruises.

How do you steer a boat at anchor?

You don't. It just sits there. We (I) like to be comfortable and secure, not worrying about much. Enjoying the fruits of my labors and relaxing under the setting sun... but they are not fruits of my labors, they are gifts from God, the comfort is an illusion, the security is there because God is holding back the screaming hordes, the sun is setting because the world is dying under the weight of a fallen creation. "We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time." Rom. 8:22.

God will pull up our anchors when he needs us to move. It will rip out of the mud at that bottom of our lives and hurt like pulling open an old wound. Then God will take the rudder and steer us through the storms to the next port. But unless I am pulling up the anchor God will do it for me... and it will hurt more...

So what are my anchors, what things are holding me down, what are changes I need to do in my life to get me sailing?
* I think I need to get more fit. I need to get used to moving more. I don't know why this is hanging on my heart, but it is.
* Begin Daily Bible study. My body gets fit, but this takes care of and exercises my spirit. If I really am going to do this I need to be armed with God's word for protection. Both against aggressors and against the spiritual powers that will try to drag us down.
* I need to clean more... I need to get rid of the "stuff" in my life. The things I don't use, won't use, haven't used, but I keep them because they are "mine"... I need to ensure that everything I own is God's and I'm not keeping things from him or for myself. (I'm not saying it's bad to own things, but owning things without realizing they are God's first and I am just a caretaker of them.)

Learning what it means to trust God.

We are in financial trouble. Helen (my wife) and I have a month-to-month shortfall of about $400. That really sucks. I'm juggling the bills to get them paid, but it isn't enough. This started when I switched jobs and then Helen started school full-time. We saved up, I had thought, enough to carry us through three months of bills with having to worry about things. Well, two months in and we had spent all that. School supplies for Helen & Maggie, gas for the cars, the reduced income of me switching jobs, all these things lead to our current state.

At first I was angry and depressed, I was pissed at Helen for not settling into a job, at Maggie for not lifting a finger to help even though we've tried to tell her how hard things are, and at myself for switching jobs for a 'better' job even though it was lower paying. All these things swirling around in my head I was trying to figure out what I needed to fix, what things I needed to do to make money fast or to appease God to make him love me again or where the magic bullet was that would make things bearable or who I could sleep with to forget my problems.

Yesterday I set out a plan of more things I could do to help make some money at least until Helen gets out of school. I also realized that some of the things were humbling things. Things that I didn't like to do because they seemed like things "other people" would do. Selling things that I "need", letting go of stuff because I have too not because I want to.

While I don't know if God did this or it was just my own bad planning, I know that I can learn some humility from this and that is something I should do. Yesterday, while driving home, I also realized that I needed to trust God in this. That his plan would be fulfilled not matter what my temporary problems were. I need to still take care of my responsibilities, and pay my bills, but know that God's plan is out there. It may or may not involve paying my bills, but he will take care of me and my family so that while we may "want" things, we have the things we need.

A dream...

I was exploring an unnamed mall with my younger sister Eve and several other people. The crowd we were with kept shifting as people walked with us or moved away. We ended up making our way outside the mall and having to travel some side streets to get back where we started.

Along the way a young black woman joined us and she and I were talking about God and spiritual journeys. She was telling me about her daughter and how her daughter was trying to figure out what God wanted her to do in her life. I was looking at this woman and thinking that she was very young to have a daughter and asked how old her daughter was. 13. Inwardly I started thinking about how she shouldn't have had a child so young and I became very judgmental about her and her situation. I kept talking with her and listening but not getting beyond my own judgments. We got back and parted ways...


I see now how my own preconceived notions & ideas can hold me back from speaking to someone and from witnessing to them and how they don't allow me to listen either. I should have been able to comfort that girl, but I couldn't. I should have been able to learn something but I couldn't. I couldn't move beyond my own prejudices.

I hope God put this in my way as a warning sign. I hope it is a warning of something I can overcome. I pray that I am able to move beyond it. Lord remove my thoughts on the way things 'should' be, and allow me to accept things as you have made them. Allow me to always witness about your grace and mercy. Lord, allow me to always comfort those in need of comfort.

Documenting a Trip...

For some time now I've been feeling a simple call pulling me to Christian service. It may be something small or maybe to become a minister in the church. I don't know.

In the Episcopal/Anglican church the process for discovering this is called, "Discernment". It has several stages and requirements. If anything I'm at stage "-1". :-)

In the coming weeks I wanted to document my travels down the road to discernment and the waypoints along the way. I know that many seminaries require statements of faith and spiritual growth, so this is my way of getting started on those things early. I also hope it will help me solidify my thoughts about why I think I feel a call.

I don't know if I will update this blog often, but I hope to have each post contain substantial information both about the process and where I am in it.